charity sucks
notes on your economic unit
When my mom borrowed my Rav4 for extended trips, she used to pay me a per-kilometer rate. I enjoyed the car being used. Karen got a low-cost ride. The cost structure was her idea.
The arrangement fit the norms of our relationship. In my family, parents and adult children are generally financially independent units. Money and time are often shared, but there’s no expectation of sharing. I am not entitled to resentment if someone chooses not to share what is theirs.
My thinking shifted after listening to the Inside Community Podcast. The guest spoke of intentional communities where all earnings are pooled and spending decisions are made collectively.
The idea was threatening—and exciting.
I want to live in a world where we win or lose together. I enjoy the tensions and ecstasies of interdependence. I want to live in a world with more sharing and less scarcity. I have eight housemates. How far am I willing to take it?
In April, I told my mom not to pay me for the car anymore. She accepted and reports that in this new model, she feels a little uncomfortable, but also very cared for.
I feel greater joy. The inner shift was lasting. Not once have I felt doubt or resentment when she puts mileage on the car. (Though, it was returned empty twice in a row...and I had feelings about that!).
The shift from “mine” to “ours” is powerful, and subtle.
I imagine a pool with all my family’s resources. From it we share and benefit. My car is part of that pool. It is fun to add to the pool, and watch others benefit from what I’ve contributed to it.
A mindset of resource sharing has freed me from a mindset of charity.
Charity: the voluntary giving of help, typically in the form of money, to those in need.
This may have been the only frame I had for giving my things to others. Turns out, I often don’t want to practice charity with those close to me. Donations to nonprofits are fine. But I don’t want the energy of “giving” mixed with friendships on the regular. Despite decades of mindful practice, gifts can still carry subtle expectations and entitlements. Power imbalances are insidious.
If something is already ours then it is already yours. There’s no gift required. I can let go of my side of whatever other weirdness might come with you enjoying my contributions.
The experiment continues. I am practicing sharing more money and assets with others using this income/resource sharing mindset. However, I still keep most of it for myself and the decisions are unilateral.
More joy and ease tell me I am moving toward right relationship.
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vancouver, bc - march 2025
Sources & Notes: The teachings I have received on “right relationship” come from the Buddhist tradition, where it is often described as winding through the Eight Fold Path. Indigenous American communities use this term also, but I am less familiar with those teachings. If you want more info on income and resource sharing communities, Twin Oaks Community has some materials.